Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The cops came to my house because I was using the slip and slide and fined me..Officer said "sir you can use the slip and slide but can you please put a bathing suit on"

   98 MORE SHOPPING DAYS UNTILL CHRISTMAS....YUK!

   Female driving instructors... The equivalent of a blind person teaching kids to read.

   Dave needs to get more sheep in Farmville! ... Dave needs to get 6 more points to advance in Mafia Wars! ... Dave needs to get a f-kin life!

   Shake N' Bake

   ____________is so far in the closet he is finding Christmas presents in Narnia.

   Female driving instructors... The equivalent of a blind person teaching kids to read.

   If it wasn't for pricks like me, all you c*cksuckers would starve to death.

   ust received a coupon in the mail: Buy one sock, get one FREE! While socks last.

   |\\//\\//\\//\\| <-- <y best attempt at creating a piece of virtual bacon for you

   stuck in traffic. Send bacon.

   There are weight limits on car seats, airlines, skydiving, military, horseback riding, kayaks, and bikes......how is it there are no weight limit on high heels?

   Just because a guy wears a dress and dances with men doesn't mean he's gay.

   answered the phone at work, when the person asked if Roger was available..I said no, he's married

   answering the phone..county morgue, you stab em, we'll slab em

   coloring outside the lines

   she would rather be a smartass than a dumbass

   you know why guns are better the woman? You can put a silencer on a gun

   sitting on the toilet and a Huge spider walked in under the door...at least I didn't poo my pants

   DAMN you Farkle for temping me to Roll the Dice just one more time!