Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I see a photo enforced traffic light, I pose and wave as I run it, tons of adoring fans at the county courthouse send me letters.

   How many Snickers are an acceptable meal replacement?

   My internet is so slow, it would be faster to just drive to Google's headquarters and ask them this sh!t in person.

   This ban on texting while driving only makes things worse. Now I have to worry about driving, texting AND not getting caught texting.

   At least once a week, everyone should bike to work, so there will be less traffic for me.

   You don't have to be good at anagrams to see that Pope Benedict is an Epic Bent Pedo.

   If you have a parrot and you don't teach it to say,"Help, they've turned me into a parrot", you are wasting everybody's time.

   I asked my co-worker if he think he's going to Heaven. He said, "Hell yea!"......

   duck tape makes no! no! no! sound like mhmm! mhmm! mhmm!

   welcome to walmart.......get your sh*t and get out

   I've got to quit sleeping with the news on all night. I woke up this morning thinking I had just saved the world from terrorists.

   You know your life is boring when happy hour is when the kids take a nap.

   I find it helps to organize chores into categories: Things I won't do now; Things I won't do later; and, Things I'll never do.

   Wirtten on Hand dryer in Airport: Press & wait for a message from the President.

   What does the nfl and brokeback mountain have in common? Cowboys that suck

   I am now an official card carrying member P.E.T.A. - People Eating Tastey Animals.

   stopped by the cash machine today, printed out my balance statement, and it read "B**CH, YOU JUST GOT PAAAAID!!!" wohooooo! I ♥ YOU PAYDAY

   You know things are tough when my retirement plan consist of playing the lottery :(

   remember the days when Blackberry and Apple were just names of fruit?

   Sick! You can type your Facebook Password into a comment and it comes up as stars!! ********** haha cool!