Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   attempting to cook a blackbean & chicken rice dish but can't see with all the thick black smoke and as for these bloody alarms ringing in my ears, saying that it must smell good, 8 men have just piled out of a red truck are trying to break down my door

   Oh I can see by your Four Square there that you just checked into Target. Be sure to notify us all when you check into therapy.

   Facebook has pretty much made it impossible to ever again say, "I had no idea it was your birthday!"

   There must be a trick to fighting fire with fire because my kitchen just pretty much has twice as much fire now.

   I'd much rather have a sex tape released to the public than a tape of me trying to run in flip-flops.

   Life is short, break the rules, forgive quickly, kiss slowly, love truly, laugh uncontrollably and never regret anything that made you smile

   ٥ﻻ ﻉ√٥ﺎ ٱц =)

   U have 10 fish, 5 drown, 3 come back to life. How many fish do you have? Stop counting smart one. Fish cant Drown!

   ► PlayTheMoments ▌▌ PauseTheMemories ■ StopThePain ◄◄ RewindTheHappiness.

   Stop trying so hard. He doesn't like you. Don't kiss an ass if it's in the process of sh!tting on you.

   Don't focus on the one person who hates you. You don't go to the park and set your picnic down next to the only pile of dog sh!t.

   Good morning Tuesday...tell your pal Friday he needs to come around here tomorrow.

   Were drunk! you dont have to know or like me to make passionate movie love to me!! Tomorrow we'll act like it never happend!

   Each day is a gift...Mondays are gag gifts!

   Home and drunk before midnight, and not sleeping in the drunk tank with a roll of toilet paper as a pillow......woo hoo!!!

   I was thinkin bout her, thinkin bout me, what we gonna be? open my eyes, yeah... it was only just a dreammmmmmmmm .....

   Evidently that good samaritan bullsh*t doesn't apply when you help an old lady cross the street on the hood of your car.

   If it isn't less than I'm doing right now, then it's hardly the least I can do.

   I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?

   Ever have one of those days when you just want to go home and take a long hot bath with a small electric kitchen appliance?