Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What I just did in that bathroom was so tragic that when I walked out, a Native American turned his head as a tear rolled down his cheek.

   dear biology, can I get an extended warranty on my penis?

   **chokehold, spin, slam to the floor** Hello Wednesday!!

   At night, every car that drives behind me automatically becomes a cop car.

   - - Stephen Hawking may be a genius, but he is not setting much of an example to kids by just sitting at his computer all day.

   - If round pegs fit in round holes, and square pegs fit in square holes, why isnt my c*ck shaped like an axe?

   Thought it was true love, but you know women lie.

   The "Like" button is the new red AIDS ribbon. It allows people to feel like they're being supportive without having to actually do anything.

   I didn't realize Toyota was so LGBT friendly, but apparently the Tundra comes with an aluminum tranny.

   In the wake of the tornado, Fox News is whipping up a frenzy over the plans of some munchkins to build a community center in Williamsburg.

   .If you ever start to feel good about humanity, just spend five minutes in a Trader Joe's parking lot.

   having a threesome with aunt jemima & mrs. butterworth

   I got an enema in honor of National Punctuation Day. I now have a perfect colon.

   California is suspending executions due to lethal drug shortage. Someone should talk to Texas. I bet they're storing their surplus in caves.

   Ahh Sams Club.. Ever notice the people who frequent that place? It's kind of like the bar scene from StarWars

   If your thinking of watching...Scott Pilgrim vs. the World...Just shoot yourself in the face now and save yourself some misery.

   The first testicular guard “Cup” was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. We have our priorities…

   If you cant beat them, put a few drops of Visine in their coffee.

   I ran my WII, PS3 and Xbox 360 all at the same time. Jesus appeared in my living room and shook his index finger at me.

   Don't you just hate it when you're in the express queue at the supermarket and the person in front of you has 15-20 items in their basket and you only have 2...