Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If it wasn't for the fact that I had to pee, I'd never get out of bed

   making underwater sculputures of his boss.....oh look, some sinkers some floaters!

   has anyone seen ___________? He heard "Its Raining Men" on the radio and he ran outside with a huge grin on his face.

   Studies show it's okay for me to simply say "studies show" in front of anything and it becomes accepted as fact.

   I was shopping online and saw a horse that I rather liked. So I clicked "Add to cart."

   Going to hang out at Wal-Mart for a bit so I can feel better about myself.

   cocaine: is actually a rich man's aspirin

   I got a flu shot for $24 from Target However, I declined the offer of a $50 colonoscopy in the men's room.

   KARMA: Smackdown of the Gods!

   the walls have eyes...

   A baby first laughs at the age of four weeks. By that time his eyes focus well enough to see you clearly.

   I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF

   finds it helpful to organize chores into categories: Things I won't Do Now, Things I Won't Do Later, and Things I'll Never Do.

   wishes McDonalds delivered!

   <---------------------was dumped on Facebook!

   wonders if birds have a national MAYDAY sytem in place when they know their going to crash?!?!

   wishes you were an Etch and Sketch. I'd shake the sh!t out of you and watch you disappear.

   life is such a fkn rollercoaster then it drops, but what should I scream for? this is my theme park. my mind shine even when my thoughts seem dark.

   YAY! I just won Australia's Next Top Model.... no wait, they was a mistake? How could this happen?

   Blame someone else and get on with your life.