Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wonder how long I can keep telling my kids I'm gunna call Santa..

   waiting for the boring weekly "hating mondays" statuses...btw, I'm gathering mondays to throw at you!

   Sign language: it's very handy.

   I have a new lease on life. Month to month. No utilities.

   Creepy drunken compliments are sometimes the price we pay for freedom!

   Whoever invented invisible fences for dogs should be fired.

   According to WebMD my symptoms mean I died 3 years ago.

   I don't care what you think of me, because it can't be half as bad as what I think of you.

   The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades…or a game of fake heart attack.

   Everyone needs to believe in something. I believe, I'll have another beer.

   A penny saved is just stupid, honestly what am I gonna get with it. Beside splurging on a tootsie roll.

   I've lowered my expectations to the point where they've already been met.

   ...knows the difference between "should of" and "should have" since 1979!

   Going to look for the meaning of life, first place I'm gunna check is this bottle of vodka

   This status update takes place between 9:00pm and 10:00pm. Statuses happen in real time.

   I got a Taser today... ...and a kitten to replace the neighbor's cat that died in a totally unrelated incident.

   Some dare devils pull crazy stunts by flipping cars... I just did the ultimate stunt and flipped my mattress! I have a few cuts and brushes, but I'll be OK!

   ‎"He's a nurse." and "He's a cheerleader." sound the same to me.

   just learned that the human head weighs about 10lbs. So if you're looking to loose those last pesky 10lbs... it looks like you should stop using the treadmill and start using the guillotine.

   o the US Govt. Infected Guatemalan's with Gonorrhea back in the 50's. 1. Why? 2. I bet it was a social experiment more than medical. "Hey lets see if Miguel can talk his way out of this one."