Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Look at your man. Look at me. Look back at your man. Now look at me. What are we selling. I'm confused. Blame the mushrooms. I'm on a horse.

   I've realized the older women get, the more likely they are to have a tissue or a bandaid when I needs one.

   the chick on my GPS told me she wants to see other cars

   just kissed my man, stepped outside, closed my eyes, took a deep breath of fresh air, sipped my coffee, looked up, waved to neighbor, perfect morning! What could go wrong? Crap! forgot to put pants on!

   God I hate spending money on anything but myself.

   Ever notice how trying to give your heart to someone who doesn't want it is alot like trying to give medicine to an infant?

   Does that miracle weight loss program that made you lose 4 pant sizes come with a new wardrobe 4 sizes smaller....No? Then I can't afford it....

   Always remember you're unique - just like everyone else.

   Being a lot more reckless these days, ever since I found that 1-UP mushroom.

   Time for some nighttime sniffling sneezing coughing aching stuffy head fever I can't feel my lips I think I just peed the bed medicine.

   How to impress a woman: kiss, hug, compliment, love, tease, protect, listen, support. How to impress a man: Show up NAKED with BEER!!!

   seriously, if your a guy and a friend of mine and I catch you wearing a European shoulder bag, I will slap you silly! You can thank me when you get out of that dress!

   wants to know: if you went to bed with a schizophrenic, would it count as a threesome? Just asking.....

   thinks that tomorrow today will be yesterday

   How stupid is it when someone removes you as a friend, you ask them why and they say, "Why do you think, moron?"... Um, if I knew why, then would I be asking you dumbass?

   that studies are showing that you can be obese & fit at the same time. Yep, that's me!

   contrary to what many believe, there are actually 3 rings to marriage: the engagement ring, the wedding ring and the suffering.

   yes I'm an A$$hole but I'm my defense that guy shouldn't have been walking that close to that puddle!

   says the people I work with are making me crazy, I think there should be some kind of test for babies in the delivery room. If the test shows they're going to grow up stupid they should be neutered immediately.

   It should be illegal to be *required* to be up before noon.