Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Thinking that they made the turtoise and the hare book to make fat people feel good about theirselves!

   I feel like LIFESAVERS candy is overstating their importance...But just to be on the safe side I'm gonna go get some! If I'm found dead,I would like them to be sued for false advertising.

   Hey are you stalking me? I'm so tired of hot women following me around all day, it gets annoying.

   It's tough to be such a sex symbol.

   Hates when she's singing along with the radio and the artist messes up the words!

   Two billion years of evolution and that's what you come up with?

   Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

   the mayor of sassy town

   Life's like a bird, it's pretty cute until it craps on your head.

   i taught that if I made my self a few gay friends, they would have given me fashion tips.... instead they just fu*ked me .

   if I had a dime for every time a homeless person asked me for change...ide still say no.

   can't understand the the problem with "Don't Ask Don't Tell" - the Catholic Church has been using it for hundreds of years, and it's never been a problem

   Necrophilia, puts the fun in funeral

   A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's.......She changes it more often.

   I just played FARKLE against somebody from across the World, and yet we had a mutual friend! My opponent knows Pamela Anderson too!

   Justin Bieber is being accused of assault on a 12 year old while playing laser tag.... He's FINALLY got the street cred he needed... 'bout time ;)

   At a meeting last night Bill gates and Steve Jobs were both in attendance , when Gates started dozing off , Jobs replied "There's a nap for that"

   MTV needs to be "Made" into a better channel

   A good solution can be successfully applied to almost any problem.

   My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.