Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If your dog is the only one excited when you walk in the door from work even though you make 6 figures.......... you have failed conclusively!!!!!

   I don't wear a watch because I decide what time it is.

   ‎654 women were admitted into the hospital, and 542 died with a heart attack! Now tell me who in the hell spreaded the rumor that I'm getting married? x(

   I threatened a man with a knife today. It was a bit silly really, he could have stabbed me.

   whips her hair back and forth.

   Can someone explain cheese to me? Who smelled vomit and feet and asked "can I get that on a cracker?"

   looking for a large, orange orb that gives off light, warmth and occasional melanoma. Last seen 7 days ago. Goes by the nickname "sunny." Call 1-800-FREEZING if found.

   having a bad day. There's a tampon behind my ear and I can't find my pencil.

   I thought I was going crazy. So I went to a therapist. After half an hour, he paid me to leave. I heard that he is now seeing a therapist.

   Always believe a woman when she says, "You don't want to know!"

   I tried to get over myself, but I'm just too awesome!

   Life is like a box of chocolates... you never know when you'll find a nut.

   I really need to find a girlfriend. Guy at poker table was like “This is my girlfriend, Kayla,” and I was like, “This is my sandwich, Ham.”

   with or without you, I'm still going...

   How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can't even get two kids to brush their teeth.

   man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under hes arm, hes says a pint for me and one for the road,,,

   Q: What do you call a blonde that dyes her hair? A: Artifical Intelligence

   I'm the kind of guy who dreams about naps while I'm asleep.

   If you're gonna flip out on your Facebook, don't delete it all the next day. Some of us still want to share your meltdown with our friends.

   congratulates singer Celine Dion and her grandfather on the birth of their twin boys.