Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My husband and I have never considered divorce...murder sometimes, but never divorce.

   When your girlfriend has Taylor Swift lyrics as her status, you know you've either done something very right or something very wrong.

   I'm tired of people seeing me and telling me they called me and I didn't pick up. "Yes, I remember ignoring that".

   Condom Ad: if you are not 100% satisfied with our product, Happy Father's Day!!

   Why are condoms like cameras? They both capture the moment.

   You're Not my type is just a nicer way of saying your Ugly.

   hates eating hard shell tacos. Take one bite and it becomes nachos.

   out like your hairdo!!

   Running with scissors. Take that society.

   TIP TO REDUCE WEIGHT! first turn your head to the left...then turn your head to the right,..repeat this excercise evrytime you are offerd something to EAT

   busy re-wrapping extra strength chocolate ex-lax in Hershey miniature wrappers for the Trick or Treat-ers this week end.

   It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married

   Sow your wild oats on Saturday night; then on Sunday, pray for crop failure

   What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick

   I'm not going bald, i'm just getting more head.

   The rules were already broken when I got here.

   I always hate when I miss out on wear your pajamas to Wal-Mart night.

   I better get to sleep. I have to get up early to call in sick to work.

   ■Unlike drugs, Facebook addiction won't cost you anything, except your social life

   would like to offer you a helpful tip : Build a bridge.....AND JUMP OFF IT!!