Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Went to Walmart last night and thought they were doing a special reinactment of "The Hills Have Eyes", but realized that they were all customers, as well.

   HATES IT when he's walking along minding his own business and then trips over his penis

   Why do older people scream into their cell phones?

   Does the Charmin commercials with the dancing cartoon bears freak anyone else out?

   I hate when reality stomps its filthy feet all over my happy place.

   Not to name names, but I know some of you update your status from your phone so as not to appear a complete shut-in who hasn't left the house. -Sent from my iPhone

   planning to do something today, but I haven't finished doing nothing from yesterday.

   ■Twitter makes me like strangers I've never met and Facebook makes me dislike people I know in real life.

   dressing as pac-man and chasing people in burka's.

   Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker....

   Lets just say today I need to figure out a thing or two about a thing or two!

   Can't wait for my rent decrease!!!! Will it take effect as soon as the polls close, or will I have to wait until Jimmy is sworn in?

   Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep; if I die before I wake ... will someone please delete my internet browser history.

   no retreat no surrender no compromise no going back

   Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

   The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.

   I don't like to think myself as 'Special' I like to think myself as limited edition

   Apparently 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my Mum or my Dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

   O.K. so with the whole calorie burning thing...if your body burns so many calories when it is cold, trying to keep itself warm...then the trick to weight loss would be to go outside in little to no clothes on and "chill". wonder how long you hafta stand t

   I saw some footage of some polar bears drinking water today. It's obviously fake. Everybody knows they only drink Coca-Cola.