Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The first thing I'm going to do when I get home tonight is go to the bedroom and take my wife's underwear off..She would kill me if she knew I had them on the whole day.

   Mel Gibson, Randy Quaid and Charlie Sheen walk into a bar. I don't know what the punchline is, but I'm pretty sure the cops are showing up.

   Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.

   Thanks for tagging me in that picture, but nobody needs to know that side of the story...k-thanx

   Wife had a facelift today,not high enough,i can still see it,

   Carrot cakes sounds like it shouldn't be a real thing

   Whenever I feel intimidated by someone I imagine them drinking out of a rabbit water bottle.

   I wish I could get as excited about anything as the dog does about going for a ride.

   People who say that winning isn't important, never win.

   I think I could be a farmer. Except for the dirt, waking up early, wearing overalls and planting crops. But I wouldn't mind driving a tractor around.

   I colored my hair today. Never doing that again. It took 5 hours and 12 Sharpies.

   Talking to you makes me invent new swear words.

   Love songs are liars.

   Have you ever lost your sunglasses on top of your head?...me neither...

   Dryer broke, microwave works, laundry is now dry.

   In the past, when you were angry with someone you argued with them. Now you just delete them off Facebook.

   Sexy Mode [ON] OFF

   I'm happy for you as long as you're not happier than me.

   They told me to set my clock back Saturday night... Well I set mine back till when I was 27... Come Sunday morning after partying all night... I found out that it didn't work out so well...

   it safe to smoke an electronic cigarette on a plane???