Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note, "Don't eat me." Now there's an empty plate and a note, Don't tell me what to do.

   likes to sit in the pharmacy on my phone talking about how I have a contagious rash on 90% of my body and the Dr. can't find a medicine that works!

   If cigarettes are required to have graphic warning labels, beer manufacturers should have to warn drinkers of possible sex with ugly people...

   I always know the right thing to say immediately AFTER the right time to say it has passed!

   If there's even a scrap of paper in a shopping cart, I pass on it. I came here for grocery, not scabies.

   Based on the seemingly random things my autocorrect suggests I sometimes wonder if it is trying to communicate with me.

   I grew up with six sisters. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom.

   Holy Cow! Michael Vick just scored again!

   I live every day of my life as if it's my last. Basically I just leap in slow motion away from things which aren't exploding... Repeatedly.

   ‎"Kate Middleton will be the first commoner to marry an heir to the throne in 350 years"........ So now we all know how often royalty can go without adding any beauty genes into their pool!

   I don't care what the law say, if you poke me and you're not my friend, it's rape.

   a lady insisted to sit near the window on the train to take a nap. She said she needed her beauty sleep. I told her sorry but the train isn't going that far

   I was at Mcdonalds today when a rather large woman served me , when she finally gave me my order she said "sorry about the wait" and I said "Don't worry sweetheart , you'll lose it eventually"

   I always knows the right thing to say, immediately after the right time to say it has passed.

   whats BROWN and Rhymes with Snoop???? Dr. Dre

   I just want to be held.....against my will.....by a tribe of sex crazed amazon women.

   TURKEY - Coming soon to a table near you.

   Oh, crap! This isn't where I parked my car!

   they say good things come to those who wait, so I'm gonna be about an hour late

   Great!!! my parents just told me I was made in China...???