Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 5492 of 6446

There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note, "Don't eat me." Now there's an empty plate and a note, Don't tell me what to do.
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11-16-2010 17:23 by jc
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likes to sit in the pharmacy on my phone talking about how I have a contagious rash on 90% of my body and the Dr. can't find a medicine that works!
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11-16-2010 17:22 by jc
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If cigarettes are required to have graphic warning labels, beer manufacturers should have to warn drinkers of possible sex with ugly people...
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11-16-2010 17:21
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I always know the right thing to say immediately AFTER the right time to say it has passed!
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11-16-2010 17:20 by jb
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If there's even a scrap of paper in a shopping cart, I pass on it. I came here for grocery, not scabies.
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11-16-2010 17:20
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Based on the seemingly random things my autocorrect suggests I sometimes wonder if it is trying to communicate with me.
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11-16-2010 17:19
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I grew up with six sisters. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom.
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11-16-2010 17:18
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Holy Cow! Michael Vick just scored again!
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11-16-2010 17:04
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I live every day of my life as if it's my last. Basically I just leap in slow motion away from things which aren't exploding... Repeatedly.

"Kate Middleton will be the first commoner to marry an heir to the throne in 350 years"........ So now we all know how often royalty can go without adding any beauty genes into their pool!

I don't care what the law say, if you poke me and you're not my friend, it's rape.
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11-16-2010 17:01
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a lady insisted to sit near the window on the train to take a nap. She said she needed her beauty sleep. I told her sorry but the train isn't going that far
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11-16-2010 16:51
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I was at Mcdonalds today when a rather large woman served me , when she finally gave me my order she said "sorry about the wait" and I said "Don't worry sweetheart , you'll lose it eventually"
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11-16-2010 16:42 by Banjaxed
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I always knows the right thing to say, immediately after the right time to say it has passed.
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11-16-2010 16:25
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whats BROWN and Rhymes with Snoop???? Dr. Dre
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11-16-2010 15:26
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I just want to be held.....against my will.....by a tribe of sex crazed amazon women.
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11-16-2010 15:23
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TURKEY - Coming soon to a table near you.
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11-16-2010 15:17
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Oh, crap! This isn't where I parked my car!
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11-16-2010 15:09
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they say good things come to those who wait, so I'm gonna be about an hour late
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11-16-2010 15:01
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Great!!! my parents just told me I was made in China...???
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11-16-2010 14:47 by @Steady
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