Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm living the dream! Unfortunately, I think it's the bad one where I come to school with no pants on.

   Playing monopoly with a jew, a woman and a black person. It's very awkward because the black person is in jail, the woman is the iron and the jew is the banker

   For those of you who know what Moth Balls smell like I have only one question. How'd you get your nose between the little fellas legs?

   Never knock on Death's door. Ring the bell and run, he hates that.

   "I love my cable company! Their customer service and pricing can't be beat! I'm glad I have no other options!" said no one ever.

   While I may not always return the affection of those who like me, I always admire their good judgment

   Don't let schooling get in the way of your education.

   A weekend wasted isn't a wasted weekend.

   I always give 100% at work: 13% Monday, 22% Tuesday, 26% Wednesday, 35% Thursday, 4% Friday.

   Dont Pour Sugar on me... I have Diabetes... Dont Pour Sugar on me... High in fructose... Dont pour sugar on me.. I'll die of stroke.. Hot sticky lost my feet... Feeling numb from my head to my feet yeah... Dont Pour Sugar on me... I have had enough

   Just got the best massage with happy ending at the new TSA Spa at JFK Airport.

   Anyone who says onions are the only vegetable that can make you cry has never been hit in the face with a watermelon... just ask that chick on the amazing race...

   This weekends forecast: Mostly drunk, scatterd shots and a slight chance of falling down..

   If your Thanksgiving plans include tofurkey, then you don't actually have Thanksgiving plans.

   Only in the US it's called "that little squiggly thingy", all other english speaking countries call it "Tilde".

   I prefer my sex be no strings attached. However rope or handcuff attached is just fine. ;0)

   I wonder if I tell my kids I'm calling Santa, will work after Christmas too!

   Hopefully Kate Middleton knows that being decapitated for not producing a male heir is part of the deal.

   Got an email about seasonal jobs as a “package handler”. Had to check to make sure it was for UPS and not the TSA…

   I bought a book entitled, 'An idiot's guide to saving money'. It was only £39.99.