Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 5480 of 6446

I'm living the dream! Unfortunately, I think it's the bad one where I come to school with no pants on.

Playing monopoly with a jew, a woman and a black person. It's very awkward because the black person is in jail, the woman is the iron and the jew is the banker
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11-19-2010 16:23
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For those of you who know what Moth Balls smell like I have only one question. How'd you get your nose between the little fellas legs?
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11-19-2010 16:01
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Never knock on Death's door. Ring the bell and run, he hates that.

"I love my cable company! Their customer service and pricing can't be beat! I'm glad I have no other options!" said no one ever.

While I may not always return the affection of those who like me, I always admire their good judgment

Don't let schooling get in the way of your education.

A weekend wasted isn't a wasted weekend.

I always give 100% at work: 13% Monday, 22% Tuesday, 26% Wednesday, 35% Thursday, 4% Friday.
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11-19-2010 15:37 by BONNIE
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Dont Pour Sugar on me... I have Diabetes... Dont Pour Sugar on me... High in fructose... Dont pour sugar on me.. I'll die of stroke.. Hot sticky lost my feet... Feeling numb from my head to my feet yeah... Dont Pour Sugar on me... I have had enough
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11-19-2010 15:36
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Just got the best massage with happy ending at the new TSA Spa at JFK Airport.
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11-19-2010 15:36 by hdwking
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Anyone who says onions are the only vegetable that can make you cry has never been hit in the face with a watermelon... just ask that chick on the amazing race...
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11-19-2010 15:27
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This weekends forecast: Mostly drunk, scatterd shots and a slight chance of falling down..
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11-19-2010 15:27 by Wolf
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If your Thanksgiving plans include tofurkey, then you don't actually have Thanksgiving plans.
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11-19-2010 15:25
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Only in the US it's called "that little squiggly thingy", all other english speaking countries call it "Tilde".
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11-19-2010 15:05
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I prefer my sex be no strings attached. However rope or handcuff attached is just fine. ;0)
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11-19-2010 14:40
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I wonder if I tell my kids I'm calling Santa, will work after Christmas too!
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11-19-2010 14:35 by Wolf
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Hopefully Kate Middleton knows that being decapitated for not producing a male heir is part of the deal.
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11-19-2010 14:11
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Got an email about seasonal jobs as a “package handler”. Had to check to make sure it was for UPS and not the TSA…
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11-19-2010 14:09 by Bill
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I bought a book entitled, 'An idiot's guide to saving money'. It was only £39.99.
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11-19-2010 13:58 by @clarkysj
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