Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   floating in a life boat after getting thrown off the ship over a misunderstanding over what the poop deck actually was!

   I wish I had a time machine so I could go back in time and kick my own butt!

   building a time machine so I can attend the time travelers convention held last Tuesday.

   I typed my ex's address into my gps and instead of directions the voice said "I don't think you really want to go there"

   Michele Bachmann pulls so many bogus statistics out of her ass that she has to spend $200 million a day on Preparation H

   No longer wants to be a Vampire driving a Volvo or a Werewolf driving a Volkswagen it's all about a Wizard on a Broomstick.......

   Once had an awkward moment just to see how it feels like

   A woman was in bed with husband's best friend when phone rang. After hanging up, she turned to her lover and said "That was Jim, but don't worry he won't be home for a while, he's playing cards with you!

   ...is lying here unable to sleep, thinking about tomorrow when I'll be lying here unable to wake up.

   If only dumb people were smart enough to know how dumb smart people were they wouldn't feel so stupid.

   When someone says "I'll think about it," they're just trying to get you to stop talking. Also, the answer is "no."

   Have you ever tried breathing out of your mouth and nose at the same time? Are you trying it now?

   An awkward morning beats a boring night.

   I always bring my phone with me into the grocery store because I'm expecting a very important fake call if I see someone who knows me.

   If you think it's necessary to judge me by my past, don't get mad when I put you there.

   If you didn't talk to me in High School then don't request to be my friend on Facebook.

   can't wait for Thanksgiving!! No, not because of the meal and football games. Just found out I don't have to sit at "The Kids Table" again this year!!!!

   In reality I'm at work. In my mind I'm in a hammock with Mary Ann and Ginger.

   STARVING!!!! I'm so damn hungry that the Food Channel would look like Porn!!!!

   elegantly wasted.