Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Even after creeping through all of your profile pictures, I still have no idea who you are or what you look like since there are 20 people in each of your photos.

   just made cranberry sauce vodka shots

   Between Black Friday and Cyber Monday, there is Sit on My Ass and Watch Football Sunday!

   Facebook is like jail you sit around and waste time, write on walls, and get poked by people you don't know.

   I know a girl that's had so many guys that CSI refer to her as "DNA storage unit"...

   I had a really big hangover this morning. I sat on the edge of the bed naked.

   Being honest doesn't mean you tell your Grandmother her breath stinks.

   I read that the first vibrator was created to cure women who had hysteria....So I guess they created the first vacuum hose to cure men high blood pressure...

   Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car....

   It's been so long since I made love, I can't even remember who gets tied up...

   I went to a bookstore last night and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose....

   Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks....

   Reasons why Alcohol should be served at work...its an incentive to show up

   feels sorry for people who are on trial. Their future is put into the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

   Remember fellas, no matter how good she looks, if she's single it most likely means someone got tired of putting up with her B.S.

   feels sorry for people who are on trial. Their future is put into the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

   Just because you saw a movie with singing, it doesn't mean you can sing when you get out....the same applies to Karate movies.

   Macaroni wouldn't be nothing if it weren't for cheese. Cheese, on the other hand, doesn't need macaroni to stay pimp. I think we all know who wears the pants in the macaroni and cheese relationship.

   only in Texas, this time of the year, does the weather change so drastically that you are put in a situation where the downstairs a/c makes the upstairs heater come on...

   Cranberry sauce is seriously misnamed. Sauce doesn't retain the shape of the can it comes in. Let's call it what it is. That stuffs cranberry jello.