Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just brought his pet rock to the vet.

   I like my woman like I like my eggs....overeasy.

   I don't hold grudges. I simply maintain them until you apologize or admit that you are wrong.

   I don't hold grudges. I simply maintain them until you apologize or admit that you are wrong.

   True colors always shine through smokescreens.

   Since being subtle is wasted on the naive...... I WANT A BB GUN FOR CHRISTMAS!!!!

   Hi, I was just curious cause I saw you noticing me so I'm just giving you a notice that I noticed you after you noticed me. Shall we chat or continue flirting from a distance?

   money talks and right now its saying "Nah nah nah nah nah...you can't catch me!"

   Oh, look at the time.... The big hand says Fuck, and the little hand says Off

   Why is "one" the loneliest number? I've found that you can clear out a room even faster with a well-placed "number two."

   If anyone sees a bunch of people in their front yard tonight, don't be alarmed, were just christmas tree shopping.

   a problem with Kinect for X-Box... if I wanted to use my entire body to play sports... I would just play sports.

   Someone just accused me of living high on the hog. I didn't even know they knew I smoked bacon.

   Helpful hint of my day... Pizza Rolls are the equivelant of molten lava even five minutes after removing from oven... fmt

   Just wrecked myself...I sure wish I would've checked myself beforehand.

   Doctors performed emergency surgery on Nancy Grace to remove what they thought was a malignant mass. Turned out it was just her head.

   Hey, incessant seatbelt indicator beeping, I'll outlast you; just like your friend the gas light. You're not the boss of me!!

   Common divorce : $10,000-$30,000, Box of 22 shells $7.28, You do the math...

   But it's no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.  -Alice in Wonderland-

   If your hips roll over the top of your pants then they're TOO SMALL! just sayin