Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Not sure why my bill collector keep trippin and askin for their money...I mean as long as I owe yall money you will alwayz have a job...Hell you should be callin to thank me cuz I'm your job security....

   I hate when people tell you their life story against your will. I think it's a form of low level rape.

   Wait, Miley Cyrus has been 18 for only a week, and there's already naked pictures of her? Somebody might be beating Lindsay to porn.

   Honk, if you want to see my finger!

   World Cup in Qatar? Does that mean 2024 Summer Olympics in Baghdad or Kabul?

   New TSA slogan: "It's not a grope....It's a freedom pat"

   trying to get in the Christmas spirit, but I can't get the damn bottle opened.

   I broke wind in front of an elderly customer today. She didn't think it was funny as I did.

   To be TOGETHER, you need TO-GET-HER

   Why don't you unbutton that blouse and let me get to know ya?

   I'd also like to learn how to spell GIANT one of these days

   I'd like to thank meth addicts for making buying allergy and cold medicine and ginat pain in the a$%

   Feeling like Mr. Pink, although everything is going wrong I'm going to make it out alive!!

   The Pope mobile: Because nothing says "I have faith in God!" like 4 inches of bulletproof glass.

   me and the wife do it doggy style , I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead

   Everytime I read "Happy Hanukkah" It reminds me of 'Hakuna Matata''

   Everytime I read "Happy Hanukkah" It reminds me of 'Hakuna Matata''

   Can't wait for the new episode of Hoarders...now all I gotta do is find my television.

   I will not apologize for being awesome.

   Again, I can't hear you, because… I HAVE A BULLHORN