Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   would be a hoarder but I cant find my wallet

   i wonder if they have a pill for premature procrastination

   Why is "patience" a virtue? Why can't "hurry the fuck up" be a virtue?

   Dear Santa, I thought I'd save you some time. There's no need to check your list. I've been very, very, naughty. I'll try again next year. P.S Why do you have to be so damn judgemental?

   It just dawned on me that Yogi Bear and Boo are just Fred and Barney with fur. (Think about it)

   According to recent posts... Betty Rubble just got a booty call from Optimus Prime. Barney, you stand no chance. Just walk way.

   They say you always want what you can't have. Well I just had another beer and proved that theory to be incorrect.

    is officially proclaiming that the bird is no longer the word. The new word is legs, go spread the word.

   I just got home from the airport where I chose the advanced pat down option and now it really hurts when I pee. I really hope that's just a coincidence

   "Bacon is meat candy."

   woke up this morning with an awful hangover and see that there are a lot of male and female cartoon character complaining of a wild night and drunken blackouts. I predict some pretty goofy lookin' babies in 9 months!

   Just caught my kids arguing over who loved me more...it would've been sweet but they were pushing each other and saying "you love him more"..."uh uh you love him more"...

   willing to go the extra mile... as long as it is not in your shoes!

   While your at camp for deer season, I'm out hunting the beaver you left behind.

   Ok, I'm gettin' friend requests from Heathcliffe & Sponge Bob, Cinderella, the Smurfs & Donald Duck talkin bout gettin f&*ked up tonight .. Somethings wrong with this picture

   Only 60 shopping days left until black history month!

   Am I the only one who thinks that they should be a bracket style tournament for the gangs on Gangland? I would definitely put the DVR to some good use. .

   Sometimes when I'm bored I take red and blue M&Ms and walk up to random people...And try too convince them that one of them will get'em out the Matrix.....

   Change your FB profile picture to a hot pin up model/actress from whenever. The goal is not to see an ugly face on Facebook until December 7th. Support those that aren't getting any.

   May your dirty socks crawl up upon your face as you sleep