Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Like this status if you have ever tried to accomplish something before the microwave timer ends.

   attempting to work the word "Flagrant" in to my conversations this afternoon as I just like saying it!

   Thinks its funny when people read someone elses status & start to wonder if it has something to do with them.

   Why does everyone say, "Calgon, take me away!" when they are having a bad day? Calgon doesn't have anything on a little bit of whiskey or beer.

   When they discover the center of the universe, some people will be very disappointed when they find out it's not them.

   Yes officer, I did hit the pedestrian, but instead of dwelling on that why not focus on how many I've missed??

   convinced there is NO functional family. Every family has a relative they would prefer to keep kidden. If you think your family doesn't have one...it's YOU.

   I've given up jogging for GOOD! I realized it was hazardous to my health after my thighs rubbed together so much my underwear caught on fire!

   No officer...I'm not slurring my speech. I'm speaking in cursive...

   :): The Bipolar smiley face

   Random thought of the day: if you're late for Special Education class is it okay for the teacher to call you tardy??

   You know the economy is getting bad when the ice cream truck has a sign on it that says we now accept foodstamps, Visa and Mastercard.

   My life would make one really good Soap Opera, or at least four really bad country songs.

   The first rule of becoming a ninja is to make loud unnecessary noises when you hit things!!!

   I wonder if stalking your stalker bothers them?

   Sometimes while I drink my coffee I stare out the window and ask myself "How many people am I going to cuss out today"

   Well....thats the last time I mow the lawn naked...

   Uses profanity the way Picasso used a paintbrush.

   Look, if we get caught, just act like we don't speak English. Ok?

   Being in politics is like being a football coach. You have to be smart enough to understand the game, and dumb enough to think it's important.