Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Facebook keeps telling me your friends are waiting, go use friend finder to find your friends. stfu seriously go find your own friends facebook and leave me the hell alone.

   ■I'm going to protect my statuses on Christmas this year so Santa can't “know when I'm not sleeping or know when I'm awake.” Take that!

   I heard a fantastic idea today. Instead of the strip-screener machines at the airport, we need a reinforced isolation chamber, once in, any explosives on the body are somehow detonated. Everyone is happy.

   My sex drive isn't too bad..... There's a hooker just three blocks from here.

   In this kind of weather I like to get a space heater, a good book, a pot of coffee, and curl up on the toilet.

   My girlfriend and I went to stay with her parents at the weekend, but her dad wouldn't let us sleep together. ... Which is a shame, because I fancy him.

   This one time, at band camp....I beat a kid unconscious with a trumpet for constantly quoting a movie from over 10 years ago.

   If voting made any difference they wouldn't let us do it.

   'Tis the season when we buy this year's gift with our next year's money...'

   This is a test of the emergency broadcast system. Were this to be an actual emergency you'd be screwed, because no one takes this seriously.

   My moral compass always gets me lost.

   My girlfriend asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I replied "your sister." Was that wrong?

   I don't care about your opinion enough to argue with you about anything.

   Why was Frosty so excited? He heard the snowblower was coming.

   This is pure snow! Do you have any idea what the street value of this mountain is?

   Why doesn't Homeland Security call the new "If You See Something, Say Something" campaign, "The National Tattle-Tell Campaign"?

   Thank goodness for these new profiles... without them, I might never have known that so many of my friends speak english.

   Dear Scissors, I feel your pain... No one wants to run with me either. Sincerely, Sarah Palin.

   I was drinking at the bar, so I took a bus home. That may not be a big deal to you, but I've never driven a bus before.

   Go to Google Translating tool. From English to French, translate "Take a Dirty Picture for me." Then Copy and Paste back into the box the French words and Translate from French to English.