Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I learned two valuable lessons today: 1. 2. Write down valuable lessons before you smoke weed.

   I hate sharing a name with someone famous. I'm always telling people, "No, no! I'm not THAT Batman!"

   I better lay off the Christmas cookies, my snow angel I just made looks like someone just pulled a stump out of my yard.

   Since that one incident in the restroom, I can never look at chocolate the same......

   The quiet evening in didn't sound that promising until I realized I have beer in the fridge!

   Smiling at the person who know's they have pissed you off can be the highlight of your day. :)

   ¡ǝɯıʇ ǝɯɐs ǝɥʇ ʇɐ ʞooqǝɔɐɟ ǝsn puɐ puɐʇspuɐɥ ɐ op ʎןןɐuıɟ uɐɔ

   thinks that swearing was invented as a compromise between running away and fighting.

   If you take off your clothes during a spat and you're a woman you're gonna get laid but if you'r e a man you're gonna get kicked in the balls...

   So tell me, how DO you keep up with all your lies?

   You know you're addicted to Facebook when you log off your computer, leave the house, get in your car and log back on using your phone.

   When you and your significant other is having an argument, just take all of your clothes off during the spat and stand there. Something is bound to happen.

   I dare you to walk into the cookie factory and say "Hi I'm here to apply for the fudge packer position".

   Whenever chicks make that duck face in pictures... I like to imagine it's cause they just got donkey punched in the back of the head.

   The purpose of fruit flies; to make people look insane, grabbing at the air like they are hallucinating.

   Hates putting lights on the Christmas tree, she feels like an elf being punished for being to tall

   If attitude was a tool I'd be a weapon of mass destruction, or at least a butter knife.

   wondering if Facebook is hiring because I just put in my 40 hrs this week.

   When a cop asks you, "Ma'am, do you know why I pulled you over?" It is never a good idea to respond, "Because my tires look like donuts?"

   just wants to be someones "Dirty little secret!"