Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   all for gay marriage. Why should straight people have all the misery?

   I began to slip this morning while going to my car but turned it into a fantastic Moonwalk instead. I got skillz!

   I'd like to give you a nice going away present. But first, you have to do your part.

   He sees me when I'm eating, He knows that I'm too fat, he sees the indentation on the chair where I just sat ...

   I see nothing but continued growth and expansion for the foreseeable future... but enough about my diet.

   I need to take a Wikileak

   when God made saturn.. he liked it, so he put a ring on it

   Dont leave alphabet soup on the stove it could spell disaster.

   Being nice to someone you dislike doesn't mean you're a fake. It means you are mature enough to tolerate your dislike towards them....

   Roses are gray, violets are gray. Crap, I'm colorblind.

   I'll be 127.0.0.1 for Christmas

   He knows when you are sleeping...he knows when you're awake....oh my God I'm scared!!!

   A deal has been struck to allow evolution to continue to be taught in public schools, as long as Dinosaurs are refered to as Jesus Horse's.

   I hate it when I'm telling an awesome story, and realize halfway through that I should not be telling it to the person that I am.

   Women have special powers. They get wet with out water, They bleed with out injury, They make boneless meat get hard, and make men eat with out cooking

   Medical Marijuana vs Medical Alcohol... Why is the first one illegal?

   Just got home and found all the doors smashed in and everything gone!!! What kind of weirdo does that to someones advent calender ?

   My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money.

   I totally take back all of those times I didn't nap when I was a kid...

   This Christmas I'm gonna party like it's $19.99.....