Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wonders if vampires feed on diabetics when they feel like having candy!

   What do you call a bunch of white guys sitting on a bench? The NBA

   I don't care who you are, fatso, get that sleigh, and those reindeer, off my roof!

   Santa better take me off the naughty list or I will black out the moon on Monday night.

   Why does the Air Force need expensive new bombers? Have the people we've been bombing been complaining?

   Just drank a sugar free, caffeine free, soda. I'm so happy that they finally found a way to bottle nothing but nasty aftertaste.

   Am I the only one that flips back and forth like a little kid when I discover 2 radio stations playing the same song?

   Doin the same thing I do every night...Try to take over the world!

   If I had a dollar for everytime that I wished I had a dollar......

   My Girlfriend told me to help her find a job that shows off her best qualities. I got her an application for Subway.

   Word to the wise... Sending an engagement request to your girlfriends facebook is not a good way to propose

   thinks spell check is for the week

   finding himself saying "never eat soggy worms," to remeber my easts and wests

   was surprised to receive a compliment about his VW Jetta today - especially at a Mazda/GM car dealership. The salesman said: "Well German engineering, you can't go wrong. I just can't believe they killed so many Jews. You have a Merry Christmas."

   Nothing brings out the worst in human nature like a crowded mall. :) I can't wait to start Christmas shopping!

   WISHES my clothes were suicidal so they would hang themselves.

   My friend said he thought I was delusional. I nearly fell off my unicorn.

   Breaking news: Taliban fighters seen throwing down their weapons and running for the hills after USA repeals "Don't Ask Don't Tell".......

   I'm not a geek, I just understand things you can't begin to comprehend.

   Cause nobody says, "Slow down, theres a security gaurd!"