Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I went to the lundromat where there was a sign that read: "Remove clothes immediatley when the buzzer rings!" Needless to say my astonishment when A: I realize I'm the only one in the place naked and B:I was getting tossed out by management!

   Every obese person needs a shirt that says "I beat Anorexia"

   Just had the seating-plan through for Gerry Rafferty's funeral. Clowns to the left, jokers to the right.:

   For an old white guy the colonel makes some good ass chicken.

   A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office wrapped in nothing but saran wrap. The psychiatrist says, "I clearly see you're nuts."

   thinking that church that is going to protest that 9 yr old death in az is a bunch of fruit cakes. and hope they all burn in hell

   My advice for the day: If you have a headache, do what it says on the Advil bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.

   There is a chemical in weed called "F**k it" ---- guess that explains my attitude.

   Some people measure success by the position one has mastered in life....mines doggy....

   Today I connected all the freckles on my a$$ it's spells out MAMBO#5.. Clearly I am The Chosen One...

   thinks that the older I get , the more young people look the same...That, or Justin Bieber just delivered my nespaper.

   Wish life could be simple like the good ol' days. Like page 756!

   I cheated on my fears, broke up with my doubts, got engaged to my faith and now I'm marrying my dreams.

   Shhhhhhhhhhh, you had me at "open bar" :-)

   Jordan says, "I'm devastated, Alex has left a gaping hole in my life." Come off it Katie that's been there since your early teens!

   I want to shoot and eat a lion. Not for his meat. But for his powers.

   i want to be a bird so dat I can poop anywhere and on anyone I want

   In Vegas, Charlie Sheen was hanging out with 3 porn stars.. Good to see he's trying to cut back.

   lets play a game. I will be Burger King and you be McDonalds. I'll have it my way and you will be lovin' it!

   Its not a hangover - its wine flu.