Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why don't people start protesting funerals of members of the Westboro Baptist Church?

   In an argument, a woman always has the last word. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

   Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge.

   My god some people would join anything... I mean if they had a cause for taking a dump in centeral park , I am sure there would be some takers!!!

   spending all day at the furburger buffet...

   If there were to be a strip club with comedic act every night. Would it be called the Witty Titty?

   A Vegetarian is an old Indian word meaning "bad hunter."

   You want me on your wall! You need me on your wall!

   The next person that says asks me "Think we got enough snow?" shall be given an epic whitewash.

   If you havent practice your alibi in front of the mirror, you haven't been in-love.

   Can't believe Obama's speech cut into Modern Family... Put him on PBS where no one cares!

   Just drank enough NyQuil to sedate a family of hippos....

   I hate when I can't understand what I'm eavesdropping on.

   with some people I wouldn't even pee on if they were on fire, in fact I'd take out a marsh mellow and enjoy.

   We are in for such a cold winter this year that the squirrels are collecting more nuts than usual and so far 3 of my neighbors have disappeared, Are you all OK?

   gonna rock your WALL!

   life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain, and then get struck by the light

   while it's true that skinny girls freeze to death faster in the winter, it is also true that fat girls die alone.

   If you insist on telling me about the day your child was born, then I insist you also tell me about the night it was conceived.

   At the end of the day its just ME...not YOU or YOUR feelings!