Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you ask me "Is it snowing OUTSIDE?" prepare to get a sarcastic response.

   I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?

   You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

   On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the Escape key.

   It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.

   Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.

   Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more. A friend or money?

   If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

   wonders.....have you ever had one of those days that all you can do is smile, sing, dance and and yell from from the mountain tops how good life is??? Well, today certainly wasn't one of those days for me....

   Some days you're the bug, some days you're the windshield. Today I feel like the windshield washer fluid and heavy duty windshield wipers cleaning up the mess left in my view.

   My ex-wife was spending to much at the nail salon every month so I had her declawed... which later I was greatful for during the divorce.

   Next time think I'll just throw the corn directly into the toilet and skip the eating part.

   Welcome to my wall of shame. You are the latest addition.

   going to go observe the ladies' shakeweight class at the gym.

   Why is it the windshield washer sprayer only freezes over when you most need it?

   Cold poptart and instant coffee = The breakfast of champions that wake up really late for work.

   woke up on the wrong side of someone else's bed this morning.

   57. Men marry because they are tired, women because they are curious; both are disappointed

   I come from a small town whose population never changed. Each time a woman got pregnant, someone left town.

   Anyone who uses the phrase "easy as taking candy from a baby" has never tried taking candy from a baby.