Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I agree that some people might have been dropped on their head as a baby....but some people were clearly thrown against a wall

   When the checkout person tries to put your toilet paper in a bag, tell them it's 'for here', not 'to go'. Then ask them to hurry.

   Obesity doesn't run in your family - NO ONE runs in your family!!!

   I may wear my heart on my sleeve but I'm changing that shirt soon.

   going to get some of that Saturday night beaver.

   wonders if "Being Comfortable with your Sexuality" was one of the requirements when they were looking for guys to be in the Shake Weight commercial.

   finally finished ALL of my laundry. Now, I just have to sweep it's ashes out of the fireplace.

   needs to have a fixed income... mine is broken.

   Time flies when you're having beer.

   doesn't accept blame well... but it's not my fault.

   RIP Jack LaLanne: Will he be buried, cremated or juiced?

   Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh? ......Just enough to break the ice. Hi, I'm Steve.

   people may not think I'm a big deal here, but in Munchkinland everybody looks up to me and I'm a huge success.

   ^ Fah-Q! v Fah-Q! and > Fah-Q! Whose next?

   I'm not saying its cold, but I just saw a saber-toothed squirrel chasing after an acorn.

   BREAKING NEWS: Cheese factory explodes---nothing left but de Brie

   Just stuck Luke Skywalker in a dead Ton Ton.

   I still can't believe I got her to do that on a first date! ;0)

   I just created ice by putting some water outside for 5 minutes. Take that MacGyver!

   if I die and Fb still exists, I grant permission to change my status to: "X is chillin with Jesus"