Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What's six inches long, two and a half inches wide, and drives women wild?................................. Money

   I've probably learned more from Google than I have from school.

   Hi I'm the T-Mobile My Touch 4G. Since Apple gave Verison the IPhone and not us, we feel salty and are going to attack them in every commercial.

   If work was so good, the rich would have kept more of it for themselves.

   I was married by a judge - I should have asked for a jury.

   Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.

   Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

   Just went outside for a couple of minutes, according to my nipples, I'ts damn cold outside!

   The reason I'm single? She wouldn't marry me when I was drinking and I wouldn't marry her when I was sober.

   Fool people into thinking you have a social life by going offline for a few hours.

   better being black than gay, cos you dont have to tell your parents.

   cmon now, lets be serious...noone would be stupid enough to catch a grenade for anyone.

   9 out of 10 doctors think that other one is just a hater

   I've decided that if I ever go into witness protection my name will be Mr. Dobalina, Mr. Bob Dobalina

   just once I want my wife to greet me like the dog, jumping on me, licking me all over and wiggling her butt. But if she's only doing it so she can go out to pee. like the dog, I'd be devastated

   Bill Brasky once showed me a video of him making love to my wife, and it was the most beautiful thing I ever saw!

   A path with no obstacles, probably doesn't lead anywhere

   I drink, therefore I am.

   Cleaning the house while the kids are awake is like trying to rake leaves in a hurricane.

   Can someone please tell mew when tv becomes "new" again? Everything claims "all new" but all I see is the same old garbage.