Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ˙ǝןƃuɐ ʇuǝɹǝɟɟıp ɐ ɯoɹɟ pןɹoʍ ǝɥʇ ʇɐ ʞooן ɐ ƃuıʞɐʇ sı

   It confuses me when I see a cougar wearing a leopard print sweater.

   Whatever happend to Sex, Drugs , & Rock & Roll, Now we just have AIDS ,CRACK And Techno

   Boy sees his mom and dad having sex. Dad says "were making you a brother." Boy replies " do her doggy style, I rather have a puppy.".

   Remember when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown BUT it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and bi**h slap them!

   Obama should pull an Ollie the Weatherman tonight... And now, the President of the United States.... "WE'RE BROKE!!!" --Cut to commercial--

   Early preview of tonight's State Of The Union: It sucks. We're broke. Quit *itching. Goodnight.

   Im so tired of this winter and snow that I rigged a gasoline can to my leaf blower, I'm on a mission now to melt all the snow so I can mow later

   Dear Mr. Pinto Bean, I'm very sorry I ate you and a couple of hundred of your friends, but there is no need for you to panic and plot your escape.....

   I like walking into bars and hitting up the jute box and playing Right Said Fred I'm too sexy 20 times in a row and leaving!

   ..and I would have gotten away with it, if it wasnt for those meddling policemen

   wants to be Oprah"s secret half sister!

   Attention kids in high school: If you're b@#$%ing that Facebook is "becoming myspace".... it's because of you.... please stop b@#$%ing and use facebook for what it was made for... to lurk on other peoples photos

   I hate when people talk on there phones in public restrooms. Who are you?? Ricky Martin?!?! You ain't that damn important

   If I had to choose one person that I really look up to.... It would be myself, for having the strength to get up everyday and overcome myself.... I'm the most self-destructive person alive

   Would just love to punch someone in the Kidneys but apparently society frowns upon that

   after being put up for adoption at birth, I am looking forward to finally meeting my half sisters Patricia, and Oprah.

   I'm sure the same people questioning Cutler's toughness are probably also wondering why Congresswoman Giffords isn't back 2 work yet!

   I agree that some people might have been dropped on their head as a baby....but some people were clearly thrown against a wall

   When the checkout person tries to put your toilet paper in a bag, tell them it's 'for here', not 'to go'. Then ask them to hurry.