Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Oprah sister is the new Pat; Pat is the new Stedman and Stedman is the new Tampon.

   LADIES You're in a queue in primark , shoes in hand. If your friend sees a top she likes and throws it to you from the back of the queue , if there's nobody in front of you in the queue at the moment the top leaves your friends hands..... YOU ARE OFFSIDE!

   He's rather listen to an entire series of audio books read by Gilbert Gottfried than to listen to your babbling BS any longer.

   my method of Resistance Training is just NOT working out!

   : If you have ever seen me drunk, click the 'like' button... 30 or more likes, you have a problem.

   the deputy in the van did NOT think it was funny when I pulled along side the striped uniform worker and yelled "QUICK, GET IN!"

   When I was a kid, snow days cost $100 and only lasted a few hours...

   We started out like Romeo and Juliet, but it ended up like Batman & The Joker.

   Attracting men is just like fishing. You just have to wiggle the bait.

   I listed Starbucks as my emergency contact at work.

   I'm not a social drinker. It's mostly work related.

   I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here

   She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger

   It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day

   I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine

   My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him

   "Dad, what does 'gay' mean?" "It means 'to be happy'." "Are you gay?" "No, son. I'm married."

   Lifting the toilet seat AND putting it back down are 2 steps. If women really want equality, they're going to have to take on a step here.

   Sitting here with Google open, and now I can't remember what I didn't know.

   I stopped listening when you said "No."