Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes to much to drink is never enough

   Penguins car breaks down he takes it to the shop goes across the street for an icecream but cant eat it very well because he has a beak. Walks back over to pick up his car mechanic says looks like you blew a seal penguin says nope just icecream

   The worst part about fighting with your dog is the makeup sex.

   If I call you and you don't answer, I will sing on your voicemail.

   Don't dwell on your past, disappointments, or failures, you can't trip on something behind you.

   some peoples relationship status should be "In a relationship with ___ while cheating with ___ and at the same time talking to ___"

   , "so let me get this straight. Sex and the City is about three hookers and their mom?".

   wondering how women on tv desert islands always have perfectly shaved legs & armpits? I mean, there's no chicks in 'Lost' kicking around in mohair stockings...

   I was just driving down the highway and I saw a guy just texting and not paying attention to the road! Can you believe that? I was so mad I almost dropped my beer

   A Lysol commercial just told me to disinfect the thing I touch the most.....uh oh, I think this is gonna burn....

   If anyone knows of a good "mechanic", I'll foot the bill if he can help us out with (ooter

   having sex is like doing FRACTIONS... It's IMPROPER for the larger one to be on top!

   Once saw a man in the back who said 'Everyone Attack', but it didn't turn into a ballroom blitz.

   Dear 5 HOUR ENERGY ®, Some of us work 8 hours. Sincerely, A None-Government Employee

   I love snow it can make the dirtiest ghetto look clean.

   Now back to our regularly scheduled programming!

   There is really a Miss Facebook beauty pageant. I wonder if the bathroom pictures are scored lower?

   No man has ever said to a woman, "Not tonight honey, I have a headache."

   How do you walk like an Egyptian in 2011? You don't. Running across streets, flipping cars, and setting fires are the prerequistes

   says if there were no bad parents, there would be no good strip clubs!