Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Thanks everyone for posting photos of the fresh snow. No, really I haven't seen nearly enough in person even though I was shoveling at 5am this morning.

   Just remember... If the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off!

   Faucets should really have a drip setting instead of making me take 20 minutes to try to get the handle just right in order to keep my pipes from freezing.

   mans evolution is from monkey to a man. But governments evolution is from man to a monkey. Both sad and funny

   How do you put an end to the circus?.........Go for the juggler!

   I hope all that racket in Egypt doesn't wake Imhotep again. I don't think I could take another lame Mummy movie.

   going to be wearing an armor plated vest just in case Cupid gets any ideas.

   So if gasoline is based on supply and demand and a third of the Nation has been crippled by this winter storm, doesn't it only make sense that gas goes down in price for at least a few days?

   In Punxsutawney for breakfast trying to figure out what the mystery meat next to the pancakes is?

   Maybe if tmobile spent less time on attack commercials, and more time creating phones, and providing a good signal their company would suck a little less. iPhone is still the best!

   Everybody in Chicago is moaning about the snow. Um it is winter and it is Chicago, what dou you expect? Sunshine and lollipops?

   My Valentines Date was arrested for biting her self and pushing her self down a flight of stairs... :( I need a replacement. :\

   Man I wanna throw a book at someone face and be like "I Facebooked you!" Lol

   That awkward moment when someone sits in your seat

   That mini-heart attack when you miss one step at the stairs.

   why is it that when you bump heads only 1 of you feel the pain

   should probably get my daily dose of calcium.. white russians it is

   At the risk of being unfollowed, I expelled enough gas at Starbucks today to fill a Trenta.

   I'm going to smile and make you think I'm happy, I'm going to laugh, so you don't see me cry, I'm going to let you go in style, and even if it kills me - I'm going to smile.!

   As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my Inner Sociopath.