Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Nothing like being 29 years old and having your Mother threaten to ground you if you get another tattoo. Havent seen her this fired up since I got caught in a dirty chat room on AOL 3.0

   Charlie Sheen marched into JG Wentworth and got his money back no questions asked.

   taking off the 'friends' on facebook that have never liked my status . If you can't show in public that you don't agree with me on anything, well what kind of 'friend' are you ?!

   just got kicked out of JG Wentworth for marching in and demanding my money NOW!

   I realize you are trying to protect a very expensive Jacket….But Mothballs STINK!!!! Who's the Genius that thought Storing anything in balls of chemical pesticide would be a good idea?

   thinks facebook should be responsible for funding all these foreign wars it keeps getting us into.....Pay up, Zuckerburg!!!

   I feel betrayed by ice cubes, like all they do is lie to me about how much drink I really have.

   So I walked into a bar... ...and who do I see sitting next to me but 50 Cent, and he's knitting a sweater... So I yelled to him, Gee you knit?

   I guess ima go to school in my boxers tomorrow since it's pajama day

   Called into work.. Told them I pulled my liver..

   The doctor told me not to lift anything heavy... so I'm going to have to start sitting down when I pee.

   I Left Bread Crumbs Behind So I'll Never Forget Where I Came From.

   1.You're reading my status. 2.You wanna keep reading. 4. You didn't notice I skipped 3. 5. You're checking. 6. You're smiling.

   read tha Tiger Woods has a new Girlfriend who is 22 years old...does she not watch the news

   "Its my money and I need it now" I just wanna smack the sh*t out of J.G Wentworth!!!!

   Dancing with the Stars 2011: The last time I saw the names of these "stars" was when I last played the Trivial Pursuit "Nobody Gives a Crap" Edition.

   Figured out what AT&T meant by 3G...it means my signal is Going....going....gone

   Ok Charlie , If thats winning I want to be a loser the rest of my life

   Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.

   ALERT SENIORS TEXTING CODE……..ATD..At The Doctors. BFF..Best Friend Fell. BTW..Bring the Wheelchair. BYOT..Bring Your Own Teeth