Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Search Messages:
"Wow, this place is so clean! I could literally eat off the floor!" - my dog at every place she's ever been. 
"Have a nice day".. "Dont tell me what to do"
i hate when I wake up in the morning and Barack Obama is my president
looking forward to showering with his brand-new "William-and-Kate-Royal-Wedding-Marketing-Hype-Souvenir-Soap-on-a-Rope".
What you call hoarding, I call forgetting to take out the garbage for 278 consecutive weeks.
People who brag they have haters are doing their so called haters a favor by making you look more of a douchebag than you already are.
Dear man at the gas station, I admire how your mustache begins with your nose hairs.
If, at any point, you stopped for Hammer Time, I think it is now safe to restart.
what is the difference between acne and a catholic priest? Acne usually comes on a boys face after he turns 12
Todays Thing To Do: Make a To-Do list.
walking by the gas price sign at the Gas station and remembers the day when he could afford to drive to the gas station for his slushy
About 50% of the time “good luck” really means “efff you.”
“Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.”
Nothing like an old high school crush finding you & friending you on Facebook because he needs cows or some shit for Farmville.
Just saw an article on yahoo that said "Little unknown facts about the Royal Wedding". I have a little unknown fact for you yahoo, no one gives a shit about the Royal Wedding.
if a bra is an "over the shoulder boulder holder" then what would you call men's underwear? Under the butt nut hut?
I'm trying to see things from your point of view But I can't stick my head that far up my Ass
Face it. We're all just a tank of gas away from government cheese
Good Morning! I've survived to live yet another day in this beautiful world.. Dont take candy from strangers and remember ,Never trust a person with dry hands coming out of a bathroom !
Zombie Zumba: Combining the two most popular Facebook topics into one! 