Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   rRjection is tough, I heard that your hand fell asleep on you last night

   Due to the highly confidential nature of my job, I am not allowed to know what I am doing.

   Wanna get laid? Just crawl up a chicken's ass and wait!

   all the QUEEN'S horses and ALL the QUEEN'S MEN could not get me up at 4am for THOSE wedding SHENANIGANS!!!

   Nobody says that you are dumb. They just say you were sixteen years old before you learned how to wave goodbye.

   You're lucky to be born so beautiful, unlike me, who was born to be a big liar.

   Now accepting applications for FWB. Several positions open. Please email me photos and resume.

   The only Royal Crown I'm interested in at 4am is some Crown Royal..

   Twitter was invented to teach women how to communicate silently in 140 characters or less.

   im two short of a three sum. wheres ben&jerry?

   i dont get it? if pandas eat bamboo all the time why are they so fat???

   Wanna feel confident and attractive? Me too! Let's all get drunk!

   I think McGlovin and Obama got their ID at the same place

   The republican party are "carnival barkers"

   What kind of president would Donald Trump be? A combination of George Bush, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, and Bernie Madoff.

   Money talks...but all mine ever says is "good-bye."

   Does time fly when you're having sex or was it really just one minute?

   save a tree...eat a beaver

   OMG! Got an invite to The Royal Wedding! YES! Wait, oh crap, it's for the wedding of Ted and Nancy Royal in Columbus, OH.

   I'm not only a workaholic, I drink at home too.