Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Guess I've been doing too much laundry lately. My kid pointed out a pink car and all I could think was, "huh.. someone must have thrown a red car in the wash with it"

   You're always like a "deer in the headlights" when you look at the menu at Dairy Queen....You just don't know what to get.

   Don't sacrifice your friends for your "loved one". Because if your "loved one" is making you leave your friends...there's something wrong.

   I have learned "Limited Edition" means piece of crap that is going to be replaced with a better version in the near future.

   XBox muppets may be laughing at us PS3 owners but at least we won't have to buy new consoles when the network's back up. No red circle of death for us.

   I am the guy that you never want to leave alone in the control room, I will always hit the red button.

   Life can be like a prick, Sometimes it gets hard for no apparent reason.

   Chloroform makes a fine cologne indeed. The ladies always fall for it.

   1. Denial 2. Anger 3. Bargaining 4. Depression 5. Acceptance......... The 5 stages of buying gas.

   Life log: It has been 19 days since the playstation has gone down.Everything seems so real.

   "SIT AND STUDY" - This stunt is performed by experts under controlled conditions. Don't try this at home or anywhere. :P

   i love it when I get tailgated on a bumpy road and the driver behind me has no time to avoid the really big pothole that takes away his body kit.

   Stupid Press.....thanks for letting the crazies know where the navy Seals families live....good job. "she can tell you about the plane crash with a gleam in her eye"

   typing the postcodes of nudist colonies into Google Earth and pressing 'zoom'...

   When I was a kid, my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

   That awesome moment when the teacher asks you a questio thinking you wasn't paying attention. Then you answer it right, it's like What now @#!*%

   Never mess with quiet people. You never know what they're thinking, and it could just be where to hide your body

   People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you had enough money, you could have a key made

   Girls fall in love with what they hear, Boys fall in love with what they see, that's why girls wear make up and boys lie.

   Don't be Jealous of Me... If you had to walk a mile in my shoes you'd probably need year of therapy.