Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.

   Hey, you married people doing okay? I haven't heard "I'm so blessed" or He's my everything" for a few weeks now...

   My ex-husband once gave me a book called Banish Your Belly, Butt, and Thighs, and the fact that he’s now Single, Bald, and Fat is one time the universe has come through for me.

   Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit

   Has anyone checked the math on the Mayan calendar to see if it was off by about 8 years?

   After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this

   ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*

   Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”

   *gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible I have toilet paper

   Grandad: ‘I’ve just bought a new, state-of-the-art hearing aid.’ Me: ‘Great. What type is it?’ Grandad: ‘Half past three.’

   HELP, I'm out of booze, and sobering up.

   Thanks Facebook for showing me dating websites, but I don't think dating strangers looking to hook up would be a stella way to socially distance myself right now, but maybe after the Coronavirus!

   Who remembers when "Never before my coffee" used to be called social distancing?

   Are bank robbers eligible for unemployment?

   It's raining it's pouring and this quarantine is boring.

   If someone offers you cash from a van and tells you it’s your stimulus check, you can take it, but just know it’s not the type of stimulus check you think it is.

   Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with? Me – An elevator repairman.

   I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.

   Your quarantine name is your Amazon username and password.

   Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic