Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Say what you want about drunk people, but at least they've had all their shots.

   I wanna give a minute to thank GOD for me being born in the era with A/C.

   Worse thing about having a couple ex's in group of friends. I always have to check the attending list on Facebook events before confirming.

   : Please do not take my kindness for weakness. Because I will not be afraid to knock you the hell out!

   Hey, Red Bull, you know what else gives us wings? Kotex. There seems to be a slam dunk marketing opportunity here that someone is missing.

   Chris Schwarzenegger should be less concerned with the collapsed lung and more with the fact that his family has a replacement standing by.

   Gotta love AC with this heat, but damn it's colder than a witches ( . ) in here...

   The U.S. is moving closer and closer to defaulting on our debt... maybe we should ask Citibank, Bank of America and GM to bail us out...

   Dude... I just walked outside and my air conditioner flipped me the finger!

   When I get multiple friend requests on MySpace, my pager goes crazy.

   There's a reason Congress begins with the word con. Con is the oppsosite of pro, so Congress must be the opposite of progress.

   Lazy Rule #15: Be sure your woman is trained to bring a sandwich after going to pound town.

   Lazy Rule #14: If you drop the ice cube, just kick it under the fridge or the stove...

   People who say "I'm beside myself" are often mistaken.... with the notable exception of time travellers and Siamese twins.

   The word is RUMORS dumbass, kinda like the ones we heard about you not being funny. Except that one turned out to be true.

   Dont Drink and Drive....Drink and call AAA and say "my car is Fooked up just tow it to my house"

   The News said its going to be 99 Degrees today but its going to feel like 110.... B!c$h, say its gone be 110 Degrees then!

   wondering if a bra is called an over the sholder bolder holder then what is mens underwear under the but nut hut?

   The best things in life are free until the government finds out and taxes it.

   If you think you're alone and nobody notices you, try not paying your bills.