Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Vampires will only truly love girls four days out of the month, period.

   "Lets watch a scary movie!" *several hours later* "Dude, walk with me to the bathroom"

   PMS is just women ovary acting.

   You know why lesbians are so fat...because there always eating out..!!!

   if I had a dollar for everytime I wished I had a dollar....

   my dogs weird. I flip him off and he just wags his tail

   Big Shout out goin out to all the pretty chics that look ugly when they turn the lights on at the end of the night in the club. You're all special in the dark. =)

   That #MomentOfPanic when in the middle of showing your girlfriend a video on your phone.......another girl calls

   Who needs soap operas, talk shows, reality tv, newspapers, and books when there is facebook

   If she drinks apple juice she is too young for you bro

   even the sweetest memories have a bitter taste

   Sometimes my LOL just means, Lack-Of-Laughter

   two young boys are lying in a snow bank outside of church with their pants down. when asked what they were doing they said "father likes a couple cold ones before mass begins"

   when the truth is gone.. the relationship is over.

   Since I don't know how to draw I decided to be an artist

   Who's that sexy beast…………..oh I clicked on my own profile again!!

   I like my wife how I like my girlfriend....horny and home every other day.

   Summer is the season when a man thinks he can cook better on an outdoor grill than his wife can on an indoor stove

   This damn Mcdonald's never has a fully stocked condiment counter. This is the last straw!

   Ever notice how that toothpaste falls so easily off your brush, but you can't wash it down the drain if you wanted to....