Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Catch her coming out the bathroom from that morning shower and give her a reason to go back in and take another one

   The guy working the Drive Thru Window was a real smarta$$. Thankfully he got my order right so at least he wasn't a real dumba$$ too.

   Not all wannabe gangster wear the pants hanging down and chase girls at the mall. Most amazingly enough, are on facebook, are middle aged and post annoying requests on my wall to play Mafia Wars.

   I'm only on FB for fun. Please stop trying to manipulate me into reposting your sappy dumba$$ status update.

   Why is it that when your not supposed to laugh everything is HILARIOUS?

   A Sunday school teacher once saw me leave a door wide open and asked "Were you born in a Barn?!" She shut up real quick when I replied "You mean like JESUS?!!!"

   What do you call a robot that wears sh1t clothes? - Optimus Primark.

   My nieghbor told me she had the smartest dog in the nieghborhood. "He always gets my paper and my slippers for me". I told her "I know my dog told me and I can't get her to quit describing your dogs bad breath."

   The only thing wrong with eary mornings is being awake.

   Whoever said "Good things come to those who wait" has never stood in my long a$$ line.

   Dear Boss, Life is full of surprises. I'm not coming into work today. SUPRISE!!

   I wonder if Tom from Myspace ever gets lonely and browses Facebook for friends.

   I think my constipation is Psychological. I cant ever take a dump until I hear my wife say "I'm about to take a shower does anyone need to use the Bathroom?"

   If there ever was an area in desperate need of a good douching, it was NYC & Jersey. Thank you Irene.

   I'm amazed at the amount of money every girl I know spends on clothing when when all of them in fact look better without any.

   I love doing Dishes! I love doing Dishes! I love doing Dishes!...*sigh* this "Psyching Yourself Out" theory is bull$hit!

   Hurricane Irene threatens the East Coast of USA. If MTV won't cancel Jersey Shore, God will.

   One way to piss a Twilight fan off is to plainly tell them it's about a Sick Girl struggling to choose between her fetish for the dead and her weird thing for animals.

   Why do people at a busy bar never know what they want to drink when the bartender gets to them? I've known since yesterday.

   Everyone who likes me is awesome and brilliant and everyone who doesn't is a selfish jerk. Weird.