Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I AM THE BOSS OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY G.........hang on gotta go , I think I hear my wife coming

   My new girlfriend really takes my breath away!!......She's inflatable.

   People keep saying how strong stomach acid is but I am pretty convinced that corn can kick it's butt.

   Dance your cares away Worry's for another day Let the music play down at...

   WTF..Is the statue of liberty doing in my back yard...!!!

   When my ex moved out while I was at work, she took my new flat screen tv, but she couldn't find the remote. I will occasionally drive to her house around 2 am and turn the TV on and the volume all the way up. I'll give it 2 years and call us even."

   Lady GaGa was born this way 8======D

   Hey, don't worry the 'too young' dude got himself a new helmet. He'll be ok once it loosens up

   3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the worlds population

   Beyonce & Jay-Z are expecting a baby. Man, that kid is gonna have everything! Except a last name.

   \(^_(-_(o_(0_0)_o)_o)_o) <-----Me & my crew. Thats me on the far left waving and somebody else sleeping

   I wasn't born with enough middle fingers

   Forget all of those bumper stickers that talk about Honor Roll Students. They are outdated. I want one that says "My kid's in high school and I'm not a grandpa."

   Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day... give a woman a compliment and he can 'eat' for a week.

   been spending most my life living in a Gansta's Paradise...

   The judge says I'm a repeat offender, but he always says that.

   When the boss says, "OK, just keep me updated," he really means, "Don't bother me again until you're finished, you peasant b!tch."

   why is it that people like to sit in the front seat of the car, but the back seat of the bus?

   I like to go to telemarketing firms and interrupt their job by eating my dinner loudly.

   My girlfriends sister sat on my glasses and broke them earlier. I was was so pissed off. Though to be fair it was my own fault for leaving them on.