Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know da day is off to a bad start when you realize you put your dirty socks in the toaster, two slices of bread in the toilet and peed in the laundry hamper.

   I think the Angry Birds could use some anger management counselling. Mellow out, my cranky avian bros!

   The wife asks "Do you wanna have sex or watch Top Chef?"... Apparently "Well, what are they cooking?" was the wrong answer

   The guy in line in front of me has flowers, condoms, mints, deodorant, and Champagne. It's no secret what he's up to... Whereas my items are less revealing... toilet paper, Perpetration H, Imodium A-D, and stain remover.

   When I was your age, I didn't even know what drugs were!" The robot slaps the dad. Mom: "Haha! He's definitely YOUR son!" The robot slaps the mom.

   -A dad buys a lie detector robot, which slaps people when they lie.. so he decides to test it out a dinner. Dad: "Son, where were you today?" Son: "I was at school." The robot, slaps the boy. Son: "Okay Okay, I did drugs with a friend!" ... Dad: "What! Wh

   Thinks there was more white trash at the Toby Keith concert than in the dumpster behind a paper plate factory

   Here, put these floaties on your ankles ...

   nailing Jello to a tree isn't hard. Freeze it. Adapt and overcome.

   Hell no I don't use a Loofah in the shower....I use a Man-Sponge!!...There's a difference lol

   Dear Jäger I think we need to stop seeing each other...."Maybe we have too much in common.  We are too much alike." If the phone doesn't ring, it's probably me....

   Dear Colonel Gaddafi: If you are going to use human shields to protect yourself from rebel attacks....May I suggest using Snookie, Justin Bieber, Casey Anthony and the Octomom

   everybody hates it when their job blows...but love it the other way round.

   Just left Disney resort to Orlando airport on the Disney's magical express.. Yeah right the magic here is the break I will have on my mastercard

   I swear everytime I hear the new tempur pedic commercial all I can think of is "ask me about my weiner" from Accepted!!!

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   Baboons: They are the loudest, most obnoxious, most vicious and least intelligent of all the primates. What is a group of baboons called? A CONGRESS.

   I keep seeing these commercials for Coors beer with the cans that have these blue bars on them that tell you when they are cold. Back in my drinking days, I just felt the can. Are people really that stupid these days?

   I tell my kids that when the ice cream man is playing music, he is out of ice cream.

   I hate when someone tags me at the donut shop and I am supposed to be running