Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit score went up 12 points.

   Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.

   Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.

   Bike Week is here at Daytona Beach. It's noisy and crazy! Speaking of noisy and crazy, next week is Tyke Week. It's a bunch of 5 year olds on Big Wheels driving on A1A hounding their moms for grilled cheese and putt putt golf.

   My wife gives me the speaking treatment.

   Married with Children was much funnier on TV.

   At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.

   Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?

   A couple of million dollar ideas: 1) Boxers with pockets 2) A service that lets you throw a live shark from a speeding van

   Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh

   Life Coach: Get out there and show the world what you’re made of! Gingerbread Man: Not sure that’s a good idea.

   [first time at a rave] These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird

   Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning

   Looking on the bright side of being in quarantine… Now all those stolen office supplies just look like good planning.

   Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken

   My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.

   Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute! Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it

   I don't want to see a politician's tax returns. I want to see the the results of their IQ tests.

   I love our government! They just voted to borrow $1400 from me so that they can give it to me. Brilliant!

   My favorite part of Forrest Gump is when a guy with an IQ of 75 gets accepted to the University of Alabama.