Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My favorite state to visit? Unconsciousness

   Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?

   Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls

   One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.

   Biden will never get my guns because I keep them upstairs.

   I'm at that age and wisdom where I no longer get up to investigate strange noises. Nope! I've seen that movie.

   Had a bad day today, but I didn't kill 8 people... I came home and did a line of coke like all other responsible adults

   that March 20th inauguration happening? Anybody know? Anybody? I don't want to miss it again.

   Your tax refund probably taking long cuz all your kids got different last names and the IRS is confused.

   I heard Biden went on a trip today.

   What did Jill say to Joe, when he left the White House, this morning? "Have a safe trip."

   Q-Tip. A d!ldo for the ear.

   Sometimes I wish Whoop-ass came in a spray bottle instead of a can.

   I’ve tested positive for needing a fucing vacation

   Playboy has asked me to stop sending them my nudes

   I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.

   If your relationship fails, don't blame her. It takes two people to mess up a relationship. Blame her and her mother.

   ford is moving to mexico. you folks happy now

   I don't always "Whoop", but when I do, there it is...

   I was happily watching the Bermuda Philharmonic Orchestra when the guy on triangle disappeared.