Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Pro Tip: Never make snow angels in a Dog Park.

   A group of Karens was having lunch at a fancy cafe. When they were done eating the waiter came over and asked "Was anything OK?"

   I bought a 15 pound turkey yesterday. He's fun to have around but he's kind of noisy.

   Marriage tip: If your wife won't let you play games with the boys at night, do something to make her mad. That way she tells you to sleep on the couch. That way you can play games with the boys at night.

   Dear Black Friday: We all have big screen tvs. Put those groceries on sale.

   The closest thing to a 4.0 average I ever got in college was my Blood Alcohol Content.

   Coworkers are like Christmas lights. They hang together, half of them don't work and the other half aren't so bright.

   The world is getting too sensitive. Soon I won't be able to make fun of myself without people getting offended.

   Walmart is giving away free Christmas decorations as long as you can outrun security.

   All men eat ass, they just wating to see if they can do it without you telling anyone... Be patient and keep that crack clean!

   My car clock is finally right again. My patience really paid off.

   Pro tip: Save business cards of people you don't like. If you ever hit a parked car accidentally, just write "sorry" on the back and leave it on the windshield.

   You know they once made a movie about constipation, but it never came out.

   I have CDO. It's like OCD but the letters are in alphabetical order. LIKE THEY SHOULD BE!!

   The problem with daylight savings time is around midnight you start to feel like you're struggling to stay awake before you realize it's only 7:00 p.m.

   Ten years ago I didn't forward that text to 10 people in 10 minutes. That's why my life sucks now.

   Saving daylight? Who am I, Superman?

   Do you know why the call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.

   Oh, Daylight Saving Time, why hast thou forsaken us?

   I drove to town today to pick up my replacement glasses , you wouldn't Believe the people I ran into .....