Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Can we please go back to the main menu of life? I think I accidentally chose "Extremely Hard".

   When I get a headache,I take 2 aspirins and keep away from children,just like the bottle says LOL!

   turns out, Chanting "I'm not creepy" in front of a mirror doesn't make you feel any less creepy.

   Why is it as a grown man living in your own home you cannot touch those "special" pillows on the couch, but those grandkids can come over and toss them everywhere and its cute?

   schools are back in session. Remember if you study hard enough there will still be no jobs when you graduate.

   look, I'm only liking your status to let you know that I read it so you won't try to tell me about it later.

   Hey, Dave Grohl...we get it. You hit the drums hard. Now try playing with some dynamics.

   Zuckerberg was going to steal your photos but saw that copyright status you posted and went back to having more money than you ever will.

   Like and enthusiastically comment on every photo your aunt has posted to facebook. Turn the tables

   Rumor is Andy Reid is going to coach in KC after mistaking them for KFC......

   "Mrs. Doubtfire" and "The Santa Clause" use the exact same plot formula.

   Hockey still exists? Yeah right... next you're gonna tell me MTV plays music videos.

   They should rename Hockey "H0nkey", 'cause it's one of the last major team sports still dominated by Caucasoids. Thank G0D.

   it safe to comeback? Are the kids back to school yet?

   HA HA !! Kim Kardashian is Killing Kanye's Popularity ! What a D Bag !

   1920: "May I have this dance?" 1950: "Want to go to the drive-in?" 1980: "What's your sign?" 2012: "Here's a picture of my pe**s."

   I think its about time we put the movie 2012 in the comedy section...

   i hate when I delete and add someones phone number so many times that I memorize it

   I'm not saying shes fat, I'm just saying if I had to pick five of the fattest people I know, she'd be three of them.

   I bet the person who invented lunges was really just some dude adjusting his sack.