Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm glad I've got boobs. The last thing I want is people making eye contact with me.

   Karen on Facebook says she's… "Grabbing 2013 by the b*lls!" Karen's been a total slut since the divorce.

   HIM: Do you want to go for a ride in my BMW? HER: Yep you can drive me to my JAGUAR!

   Women are weird. Hundreds of people can tell them they're beautiful but they'll obsess over the one person that doesn't.

   I guess there's just something about the word bro that makes dudes take their shirts off and touch each other.

   RELIGION - a refugee for when physics, chemistry, biology, logic and common sense become too complicated to understand.

   DIARY OF A BACHELOR - Day 689: I am happy to report that I am still in total control and command of my sperm which I continue to manage successfully and thus have not impregnated any female out of wedlock, thanks mostly to self-control and quality c0ndoms

   How's Hillary's head? Not as good as Monica's.

   I should just change my name to "Han" because it looks like I'm gonna stay solo *forever alone*

   if "PRO" is the opposite of "CON" then "PROgress" has to be the opposite of "CONgress

   i wonder if Bruce Wayne calls it his "batman cave" or his "bat 'man cave' "

   Making snow angels & writing Ron Paul underneath because people need to know the truth

   Lol here come all the brand new Redskins fans

   I refuse to lower my standards to accommodate those who refuse to raise theirs.

   Make sure your worst enemy is not living between your own two ears.

   Les Miserables is French for "It's two and a half hours"

   A wise man once said........................... nothing,,, He just let her vent

   If you think your cat loves you, just remember it would probably yawn and go to sleep while watching you getting murdered with a rake

   Top Reasons I Procastinate... 1.)

   The girl at Mcdonald asked me what I'm "talkmbout" <------Ghetto word of today!