Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate it when I'm being taken seriously at the wrong time.

   Sweet Jesus Christ. If I send you a text it's because I don't WANT you to call me.

   We're adults? When did that happen and how do we make it stop?

   I'm so high I could eat a cloud.

   Last time I saw you was last year. It felt so long ago, but I really miss you. I'm so happy I get to see you again this year. Tonight Lets Party hard! Thank you for coming back Saturday!

   Don't hate me because I just woke up from a nap. Hate me because I am about to take another!

   If she can roll her own joint, marry her on spot.

   My doctor is getting REALLY tired of me asking if the stuff I see in commercials is right for me.

   ..nothing up here, try further down the page.

   It should be called a "vaninja", since I never see one.

   If I had a chainsaw, that would be my answer to everything

   Somewhere, Joe Rogan's date is texting while he talks about supplements

   You know you had a good night when you go to the bathroom the next morning and get the full effect of all the stool softener you drank...

   pretty sure God didnt kill your grandpa. he had cancer, its a sickness people die from

   Been a while since “It’s the End of the World as We Know It” & “We Didn’t Start the Fire.” We need a new song where someone yells a list.

   nog steeds lekker vakantie

   If you keep a foot in the past and a foot in the future, you're gonna piss on the present...

   Never underestimate a woman's ability to make you apologize when she is the one who is clearly in the wrong.

   I always party like it's 1999. Standing in a corner talking to nerds about The Matrix.

   My life is a constant panic attack occasionally interrupted by a nap