Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   STDs are not Pokémon, you don’t have to catch them all, Kim Kardashian.

   Instead of turkey, I'm Having Grey Goose For Thanksgiving Dinner.

   Before Facebook, I never realized so many people had Birthdays...

   State Farm is hoping no one will notice when they replace Aaron Rodgers with a black guy.

   All I'm saying is, you don't see many face tattoos on Jeopardy!

   Okay we get it 50-something washed up bar sl~ts. No need to post pics every other day feigning you're having a good time at some boring nightclub.

   Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.

   If you can’t laugh at yourself, call me… I’ll do it.

   My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That’s almost $21.00 in dog money.

   A word to the wise ain't necessary. It's the stupid ones who need the advice.

   Of all the terrible ways to be woken up I think, “mommy, my fart is on the floor,” takes the cake.

   what if there is no placebo effect and sugar is just really healthy in pill form

   Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off– The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team

   Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.

   Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.

   Because the military is land of the free home of there brave, and pride month is a man that talks like a fairy and wears a man bun and probably paints his nails. Just sayin'

   Anyone else find it funny that during Pride Month, So many people said "why does the military only get one day" but I have not heard Anyone say it today

   Date a woman with outstanding warrants. That way, she can't call the police on you. Follow me for more relationship advice.

   Brace yourselves. Here come all the imbeciles to remind us that Veterans Day is for the living and Memorial Day is for the deceased.

   I'd rather have questions that can't be answered than answers that can't be questioned.