Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Today I went to the post office to mail 20 letters... so I bought 20 stamps...

   A friend rubbed tomato ketchup on his eyes.In Heinz sight , it wasn't a good idea.

   Omicron is an anagram for Moronic. They are straight up messing with us at this point.

   Oh, so you're preparing turkey again for Christmas? Twice in one month. Kudos to you. I'm overwhelmed by your imagination.

   If you haven't hit a woman, then you obviously haven't dated a woman who had to be hit !

   All the smart people sold their soul for knowledge.

   I wonder how much it cost to pay off Michigans referees

   Have you ever looked at someone and thought 'shut the hell up'... and they weren't even speaking...

   A drink called KenoshaKid - what's it made of? A chaser followed by three shots.

   For extra cash, consider robbing sex offenders. Their addresses are easy to find and they can't own guns.

   I cut down my own Christmas tree this year. My neighbor isn't very happy about it because it was in his yard.

   I am addicted to Cold Turkey. Not sure how I will ever quit.

   I have 3 Brazilian Wax Appointments for Tuesday afternoon. Inbox me for time. ❤️

   I’m not wishing anyone a Happy Thanksgiving, I hope your gravy gives you diarrhea.😜

   It's true that when you open a parachute it pulls you back up. One time I accidentally opened a parachute inside my house and it dragged me right up through the ceiling.

   Does anyone know where I can get more Lite-Brite pegs?... I'm trying to finish my Will and Testament.

   Ladies, Here is your reminder to put your good yoga pants in the washer so they're ready for Thanksgiving tomorrow

   the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something

   Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.

   He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?