Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Women seem to want security. At least that's what they yell whenever I come near them.

   What's with everyone calling it "Holiday decorations" back in my day, we called it a little something like Christmas.

   If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.

   The only difference between the New Matrix movie and the old ones is that the Red & Blue pills are now suppositories

   It must be extremely hard to be a Nigerian lawyer who specializes in international inheritance law.

   Realizing his horrible mistake, Judas bitterly hurled his half-eaten Klondike bar into the sea.

   If I could change one thing I did in 2021, I would change not spending the night, in the streets of Dallas, to wait for the resurrection of JFK Jr.

   My son came running back from school waving a paper in his hand. Daddy, Daddy. Look! I got a B in my reading test! That’s a D you idiot.

   I've been reading 'Lord Of The Rings' and apparently, Gollum was once a normal man, but wearing the ring drained him of his youth, energy and any joy in life... Must be the same ring I put on when I got married...

   I never knew Masklophobia existed until I encountered 2021.

   OK. We are going into a new year. Be good and dont touch anything..

   You had me at hello. You lost me at your wearing a mask in your car pulling into my driveway.

   A study has shown that if you put lard on your head every day you will grradually grow taller. Crisco does not have the same effect because it's shortening.

   Honesty is the best policy, but insanity makes for a much better legal defense.

   I kinda wish the world was flat. That way I could just push off the people I don't like.

   The After Christmas Diet: Breakfast: Leftover lasagna Lunch: Leftover lasagna Dinner: Leftover lasagna Dessert: Leftover lasagna Beverage: Fresh squeezed leftover lasagna

   Now I realize why some people loves the uneducated people.

   You know how old I am? It used to be normal to order something and have to wait six to eight weeks to get it.

   I've just realized that this growing old thing , ain't for woossies

   Egg Nog gives head.