Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A woman calling you "bro" is a pretty clear sign that it's time to put your pen*s back in your pants.

   Will tell jokes for Bitcoins!

   Got some stain remover that takes out grass, urine, sweat, coffee, and lipstick stains. Sounds like quite an evening.

   Sitting on the plane. Stewardess said pilot passed out can somebody fly the plane? Took me almost 10 hours just to get it off the runway.

   You can tell its getting warmer out. The first mullets of spring have appeared.

   To this day the clown in Poltergeist creeps me out

   As long as it comes with great packaging, there's nothing wrong with inner beauty.

   Companies and money-hungry capitalists are ruining Facebook with their advertising and snooping.

   Dear Syria, Hope you are regretting not to be in limelight thesedays-N.Korea

   Hug a tree. Then rub your hands along it's trunk and tell it how knotty it is.

   Chemists do it on the table...periodically.

   My girlfriend says she plans to have sex tonight. I sure hope I'm invited.

   You say you don't need to drink to have fun. All I'm hearing is designated driver.

   Our kids are losing their imagination....hopefully soon they will have an app for that!!

   I can tell a lot about a person by the way they tell a lot about themselves.

   I'm planning a romantic evening...I'm taking my liver to Happy Hour tonight.

   How do Mexicans cut their pizza? With Little Ceasars *drops mic, Harlem shakes off stage*

   3 shots of vodka can erase 8 hours of rage in 15 minutes. That’s all the math you really need to know.

   Apart from paying bills and feeling tired all the time, adulthood is not that great.

   Due to recent developments in the love market, my emotional trust funds are temporarily frozen.