Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A girl just asked what I would call a girl who would do just about anything sexually on the first date. I told her I would call her... immediately!!!!

   If Anne hath a will, Anne Hathaway.

   I broke up with my gym. We were just not working out.

   'Bob Marley drinking game.........1.put on the Bob Marley track "Jammin'"..2,whenever Bob says "Jammin" you drink a beer

   I see your friendship, and raise you benefits.

   Shhh... someone with glasses is talking.

   Someone cook me dinner so I can Instagram a picture of it. It's an emergency.

   Women are from Hearts and Men are from Pen*s.

   How many calories does wearing workout clothes burn? Does anybody know?

   I'd explain it to you again but I'm fresh out of crayons and puppets

   Ever wonder what it's like to be Amish? Get a blackberry. I'm practically milking cows and making candles over here.

   I'll bet 9 out of 10 of you guys here have no pants on.

   Kristen Stewart doesn't get enough credit for her acting ability. I thought she was great as "Wilson" in Cast Away

   justin bieber to be launched into space...hoping very much it's a one way trip ...:D

   A vegetarian that is for the death peanilty.....................wait what?

   I’m not addicted to coffee… we’re just in a committed relationship.

   What if animals "were" injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.

   To my neighbor using a chainsaw at 7:30 on a Saturday morning: Try holding the other end.

   So many vain and self-aggrandizing narcissists on Facebook giving themselves compliments about how beautiful, slim and rich they are. Real beautiful people are humble and wait to be complimented by other people.

   Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I'll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.